lemons & ibuprofen

14 01 2009

upon walking into a friends apartment this evening i was greeted with the weirdest of conversation topics for males.

how to stop the female menstrual cycle dead in its tracks.

i know, sounds vicious dosent it.

long story short is my friend michelle is flying out to new york on thursday to meet up with a gentleman caller who relations might just be had with.

needless to say bloodflow would not be appreciated by both parties.

so she heard “somewhere” that downing a fuck-ton of ibuprofen and eating lemons would obliterate your period.

somewhere in the back of my head i knew this didnt sound like a completly logical plan. (however im the same kid who decided diving off a pier in the winter was a semi intelligent plan….just for record, the zero degree weather won that day and hypothermia is maybe the worst thing….ever.)

so she pops a bunch of ibuprofen and then proceeds to cut up a lemon and douse the goddamn thing in splenda.

michellemichelle2

………. after making a ton of sour faces and some grimaces as well (mainly when splenda was added to the mix) the lemon was finally choked down, and michelle was left to ponder if her concoction of pills and lemon wedges would work.

this all left me wondering deep down inside two things……

a) is all this even worth it? (then again i dont bleed from the crotch once a month for a week)

and more importantly…..

b) was this going to work???

the more i thought about it, the more the pop-rocks and coke theory came up in my head….did lemon juice and ibuprofen really meet in your intestines and figure out how to stop blood from exiting your uterus?

it seemed too surreal to comprehend, so i went to the wonderous world of google searches to find out the truth….and it was actually quite logical.

apparently taking 800mg to 1000mg of ibuprofen every six hours will either slow or stop your period without any hazardous effects (this is known because apparently if you do too much ibuprofen it will destroy your stomach lining. FAIL)

lemons on the other hand are a complete urban legend more or less so just do see who would do it apparently. it was probabaly made up by some dumb whore who ate a lemon and some ibuprofen and assumed the mixture (not just the MEDICINE) did the trick.

so long story short lemons will not do anything what-so-ever, so far from every thing i have discovered lemon juice will do nothing except give you canker sores which let me tell you are oh-so-arousing….

….and yes, ibuprofen (in 800mg to 1000mg doses every six hours) will either slow or stop the period…or should anyways, everybodys different, if you try this and it dosent work dont blame me ok. im not your doctor.

in fact, you should probably consult your doctor before trying this anyways, if you read my blog chances are you probabaly dont know whats good for you and are severly allergic to ibuprofen….or are a guy.

worst case scenario go old school – buy some dark towels, and cover the bed with em.

that always did the trick when we were younger right.

g’night folks!


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4 responses

14 01 2009
ummmmheyyyy

Tell her to Do the Damn Thang in a hot tub. it doesn’t come out underwater.

Also “(however im the same kid who decided diving off a pier in the winter was a semi intelligent plan…)”
And I’m the same girl who fell for the Friend who jumped in with you. Wondrous times, they were..

15 01 2009
Julene

UMHEY = UMRETARD. Hot tubs are full of all kinds of gnarly shit that shouldn’t be shoved around inside a vagina, bro.

Shower, dark towels… or just leave your bedroom looking like a crime scene. Man up, it’s just a little blood.

19 01 2009
Alicia

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

A) WTF is wrong with you people?
B) DO NOT take painkillers to stop a period. Just tell her to start her new month of birth control pills when she would usually be taking her “placebo” pills so she can get her period; This will stop her period in its tracks. This is perfectly safe and what a doctor would actually recommend.
C) It IS just a bit of blood, man up.
D) NEVER, NEVER, NEVER have sex in chlorinated water…omg, so bad for the woman. Chlorine messes with the ph balance of the vagina and will give her a yeast infection.
E) Having sex in water may sound fun, but it washes away the natural lubricant of the vagina (and all water based lubes). Less lubricant = more chaffing (also known as tiny abrasions in the vagina). More chaffing = more chance of the grossness of a hot tub creating an infection and more chance of a yeast infection. So, if you’re gonna fuck in water, get yourself some high quality silicone based lubricant–it lasts and lasts, its safe for use with condoms, its great for those with sensitive skin and (if you’re kinky enough) great for anal.

Ok, I’m done. I just super concerned about vaginal health/sexual knowledge. <3

19 01 2009
James McKenna

how did this just happen on my page?

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